Widgets Magazine

A River in Egypt

Why write this? So that others may find some solace, and possibly help, knowing many-*in this industry understand.-*
You are never strong enough that you don’t need help.,Aeu
,Aeiattributed to -*C/(c)sar Ch/*vez
I need help
Perhaps this is obvious to those around me, but from within the confines of my own bodily encasement this has been difficult to see. More appropriately it is, likely, something deliberately encircled and muscled into a muzzle.
There is some amount of pride in being someone who encourages others, offering a connection, good word and opportunity. Only second to the role of parent are the occasions of being a personal mentor to a fair number of folks just entering the industry. Seeing the growth and achievements for both my kids and the feeling of being asked to help open a pathway is unmatched.
I will not ask
The dichotomy is stark. It is seeing enormous strength in others who ask for help is labeled as a weakness in myself. -*The conceptual conflict was seeded in experiences of harsh pummeling and violent casting out experienced in youth at the hands of my peers.
In learning to fight back, eventually, I also developed a very nasty disposition when feeling slighted. The white hot vitriol is something which has been tempered, but it is a battle that still begins each morning.
There was a pride in the pain – it was not enough to have come through the other side. Control and being of the mindset to put the head down and grind on was order of the day, every day. From these experiences it was clear that one did not show weakness, of any sort.
The qualities of determination and grit, the buzz word in modern education and politics, are culturally encouraged – and to a degree they should be. -*Yet when it becomes a syndrome, it masks a deception.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt
So the old pun goes. Denial that one is avoiding -*fundamental issues though socially acceptable acts can provide a measure of comfort. Embracing the inner workaholic in a drive to be everything to everyone; in a quest to be set free of what boils just below. It is a technique which eventually eats you up from the inside, and like ,Aeoself-medicating,’ leads to a crash.
So, here I stand – dripping wet from a dip into the waters. This time, I think there is some understanding, acceptance.
I have come to accept that what I have been hiding is depression.
The exhausting process of burying the emotion, denying the despair finally came crashing down, the body and brain taking things into their own hands. -*The world took on a paleness –*taste, smell, and social engagement became diminished, impacting nothing – even music turned into background noise, stirring little.
The fatigue, body aches and general numbness blurred everything into one massive weight, slowing my pace to a near stop. Months of promises missed and scrambles to make it right simply deepened the spiral.
Sleep became my go-to and it was a struggle to stay awake long enough to catch up with my children or feed the cat. It was a desperate final attempt in avoidance. -*-*
I messed up a lot, leaving things undone.
Help from Inside and Out
Acceptance is the first step they say and in this first steps are taken. -*
Does is mean that I am cured? Oh hell no. And I am likely to slip back again no matter how attentive I try to be. Awareness is the tool to help shorten and, in time, prevent-*these periods.
The knowledge inside that I have been running, combined with the help of those around me (and perhaps a jolt from big Pharma on occasion), is a positive.
Integration is an effort in teamwork, sharing knowledge and of always learning. I hope to apply these principles toward my growth.
Image is copyright Sam Valadi, used under creative commons licence-*

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